26. Tick Tock

It didn't take long to remind me why I hate the school year.  I don't really mind waking up early, because it does help to give a head start on the day.  But getting up at 6:10a every morning only to be angry, annoyed, or stressed by 6:25a isn't really how I want to spend the early minutes of my day.  

J has had trouble sleeping these days so he's usually cranky in the mornings.  It's a battle to get him to sit down for breakfast and then afterwards brush his teeth.  He has plenty of time to get everything done, but each step seems to be a battle.

He goes through tics every few months, where one will go away just to be replaced by something new.  It's always been a physical tic, but now he makes sounds - constant sounds every 5-10 seconds. The sounds slow when he reads, but otherwise he can be sitting at the table eating and in between bites he makes the noise.  We'll be watching television and he'll make the noise.  It is so constant and loud that it is beginning to disrupt everyday life.  It is not something that is easily ignored.

I think I am more annoyed than anyone else in the house by the tic.  Maybe it's because I am around it most, and I feel that since I deal with all these other fun aspects of autism, I don't also want to deal with one that is just a persistent noise.  His therapist understood my frustration and understood why it was disruptive and worked with J to find a technique that would at least lessen the volume of the noise.  Except J doesn't want to work on it.  The kids at school don't comment (according to him) and so he doesn't see a need to stop or change.

This tic seems to have lasted longer than the others - but that's probably because it far more annoying than anything else we've dealt with.  While I write the next couple paragraphs, I'm going to point out every time I hear the tic.

He's always walked on his toes (tic), but now he (tic) also kicks the backs of his own heels as he walks.  I haven't (tic) figured that one out yet, to be honest.  And it (tic) may not be a tic in the traditional sense, but it (tic) is (tic) something new that (tic) has crept up in the last couple months.  It will probably go away as all the other tics do (tic).  When he gets overwhelmed in groups of people, he does stem, but sometimes it will overlap and even when he's home he will continue to do it for a few days (tic) as though (tic) it (tic)(tic)(tic) has turned into a (tic) tic (tic)(tic). (tic) Normally when he's in crowds (tic) he (tic) will (tic) (tic) start to roll his eyes around in his head, as though he is truly struggling to focus on something and instead his eyes are focusing on everything at once.  He only does it in crowds or closed spaces (tic)(tic)(tic)(tic)(tic)(tic) so I do think it's a form of (tic) coping with this, except a few days later, he will still do it until it slowly dissipates.  (tic)(tic)(tic)(tic)

I started writing the above paragraph at 6:50a and stopped at 6:55a.  During this time, J was tying his shoes.

Maybe one day I will learn to ignore the tic.

*snort*

Sorry.  I just realized that I know that won't happen.  I wish I could 100% accepting of all tics and noises and fun aspects of autism, but I can't.  This one drives me crazy.  I keep my cool so well overall, but this tic has taken all enjoyment out of watching a movie together or playing a game.  I want that enjoyment back.  I don't know when I will get it.

But I don't want to end this blog post on a negative note.  So I will end with two pictures of Tiny the baby who started the 1's preschool class at the church up the road!  He has his very own backpack and spends the morning with seven other little 1's, learning shapes and colors.  He had so much fun on his first day of school!  The pictures are from the very first day of school.

25. Temple Grandin

The other day Stormtrooper and I watched Temple Grandin.  I put it in our Netflix queue ages ago and it finally arrived.  I really didn't know what to expect from watching it, but I am glad I did.  It was somewhat painful at times because you really saw the pain and awkwardness that people with autism face.  As a parent of someone who has autism, this was particularly difficult because it makes you sad to think that this is what your kid is experiencing.

Temple didn't speak until she was four.  J didn't speak until he was three.  She ended up going to a boarding school because she got in trouble for hitting another child, but her mother, who seemed to be an advocate for Temple, said she never hit unless provoked.  This has been something that has been a worry for us.  We've often wondered what J would do if provoked by other kids and honestly the outcome could be disastrous.  I think I've spoken about it before, but J's view of reality is so different from actual reality that he could think he was in danger, but actually be fine.

Moving on in the movie, Temple goes to college.  She doesn't want to go, but her mother makes her.  And honestly, I make J do a lot of things he doesn't want to do, and I hope he'll be a better person for it later on in life.  There's a scene where Temple is upset because all the other girls have roommates, but hers hasn't arrived yet, so she has to be all alone in the dorm room.  She's very upset by this.  It was sad because these kids know they're not normal and while they're okay with it at times, other times they just want to be like everyone else.  She knows she's different, yet she wants a roommate.  All the other girls have roommates, why can't she?  I have to answer questions like this frequently with J and sometimes I don't even have an answer that's adequate.

Temple is awkward in class but obviously thrives because she is so smart.  I don't even think she realizes she is smart.  J has no idea he is intelligent.  He never studies, he half-asses his homework.  He doesn't even attempt to look at his spelling words.  And yet he has straight A's.  I think last year, his end-of-year averages, when you took each quarter and averaged those grades, his lowest was a 95 in Reading.  Hopefully this will continue to transfer the older he gets, but because he has no study skills and you can't teach him study skills right now, I have no idea what middle school and high school will bring.  Since he is so resistant to things that don't make sense in his mind, trying to talk to him about studying would be fruitless.  Why would he need to learn to study if he doesn't need to study?  One day he might, and I guess I'll end up dealing with this later.

There's a couple points in the movie where Temple has to really think outside of the box.  It's a pretty amazing feat to watch because autistic people are so literal and there's a scene where she changes cars, changes her new car's appearance, and changes her own appearance in order to gain access to a cattle farm because she's a woman and they don't allow women on their property.  (I should probably preface all this by saying this movie took place several decades ago.)  She is able to really think on a different level than neurotypical people which allowed her to design different and more efficient tools for the cattle/meat industry.  She also said something that was very significant to me.  She said that nature is already cruel and we kill animals to eat, but there's no reason why we have to be cruel to them.  There's no reason why they can't die in peace.  And I think that is very important.  It shows respect to all living things and shows respect to those giving their lives for us, especially because these animals give their lives to us unwillingly, so it would be nice for them to be able to have a decent life and a decent death.  So she incorporated that ideal in a slaughterhouse design that kept cattle calm and allowed them to die with some dignity still intact.

We watched that movie and thought, we hope for these things with J.  We hope he's able to accomplish something greater.  He is so smart and while he is oftentimes the most self-centered person I know, he has a lot of kindness in him that allows him to really shine and stand out.  He always has ideas of things he wants to do when he grows older and some are realistic and others are not.  He doesn't understand that he has autism yet.  He knows he has it because we tell him, but he doesn't really understand what it means yet.  Temple was able to grow to a place where she could advocate for herself.  I want the same for J.

Maybe this is all like a glimmer of hope, a glimpse of what life perhaps could be for J.  I want the best for him, as all parents do for their children, but sometimes in our dark days with meltdowns and tantrums it's hard to imagine that he would ever conquer those things enough to be self-sufficient and highly educated.  Maybe he will surprise us all.

24. School Again!

Today was the first day of school.  Alarms went off at six this morning, which was the earliest I have gotten up since May.  The morning went well, zero incidences.  Tiny usually sleeps until at least 8:30a and the bus comes a little after 7:00a, which gives me a lot of time in the mornings.  Last year I went back to sleep, but this year I thought I should be more productive and use this time to my advantage, so I've decided to start exercising during this time.  I do hope to lose weight, but also just get in better shape.  It's nice to have a lot of energy to run after the kids and I do enjoy being active.  

Last school year I had a list on how to earn pebbles (our reward system) for having good mornings and this morning was a very good morning, so pebbles were given!  We had over fifteen minutes of free time before having to go wait for the bus, which doesn't always happen because J has so many difficult mornings.  This was a great way to start the year!

Yesterday was the first Open House, where we went to meet the teachers and sign up for the After School Program (ASP).  J wants to do Science Olympiad, which is on Tuesdays, and then he will go to ASP one afternoon a week to have fun, play with some of his friends.  J's teacher has experience in special education and when I introduced myself to her, she was fully aware of J and had already spoken to his teachers from last year.  Everything I said to her about J she wrote down in her notes so I felt she was really listening and paying attention.  I left with a good feeling ... and a huge stack of papers to fill out for the school year.

Then we went to see the gifted teachers.  We got more information on the things they are going to do this year, and we also left with more papers to fill out!  The coolest part of the gifted program this year is that the kids are going to make a Lego amusement park.  I don't know all the details, but I know Legos are a big deal in this house!  So anything with Legos will be awesome.

The scary part of school is that it's almost eight hours of not being with J, six and a half hours of school and two half-hour bus rides.  I don't feel the need to always be with him, but I get so many emails from teachers about incidences at school that I often feel lost as to how to respond.  I can talk to him when he gets home, but once something is after-the-fact, J doesn't want to talk about it or he won't talk about or he'll just say "I don't remember."  I can give teachers advice or encouragement, but if I'm not there to help, guide, or correct in the moment then there's often not much I can do from home.  I hate the feeling that my child is a burden on the teachers, but that's often the feeling I am left with.  Last year his homeroom teacher was really great and understanding, but this is one of the only times I have felt comfortable with J's teacher.  Usually I am left with "Please address J's behavior."  Right.  Thank you.  So I'm praying this year will be great!

To give the boys more responsibility, this year they are both going to make their own lunches.  J was a little nervous because he wasn't sure how he would know what to pack.  So I made an easy chart so everyone would know what to put in their lunch boxes and it's on the front of the fridge.  Both boys find making their lunch really exciting.  

I am hoping for a good school year.  I am still working out therapy schedules so that everything can fall easily into place and be on a very set schedule.  It's a work in progress, but I am remaining hopeful.  I'd like to have everything happen on the same days of the week, but we will just have to see how that works out.  Tiny will be in the 1's class at the church around the corner two days a week, so for six hours a week I will be childless while everyone is in school!  Hopefully I will be able to get some work done at the house and run errands more quickly since I won't have children to get in and out of the car and direct around stores.  It'll be very relaxing to just do my shopping with a baby yelling at the other customers (he's very friendly, but very loud!)

Gryffindor backpack again this year.  And a Star Wars t-shirt.  

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