This week past week was spring break. The two older kids are with other family members, so it's just been me and Tiny at the house, and Stormy when he's off from work. First of all, I don't have to wake up at 6a to get anyone ready for school. That is the most amazing part of this week. Tiny sleeps until at least 9a, sometimes 10a. He didn't sleep for almost the first entire year of his life, so he's making up for it now.
Honestly, it's been a very nice break. It's given me a chance to relax and only focus on one little person. It's let me think about the things I want to do, need to do, things that are just out of reach and how I need to grab hold of them.
Whenever I get small breaks from the kids, whether it's an evening or a day, it allows me time to be ME. Not the me who is a mom or the me who is an advocate, but the ME who is ME. It's nice to be able to breathe and not always feel as though I'm just trying to catch my breath.
We get breaks like this every so often, but we always have at least one of our babies at home. Usually the baby, since he's so little still.
It's times like this week, when I get to be calm and laid-back that I gain strength to deal with the chaos that sometimes erupts in our house. Us parents of special needs kids aren't superheroes. We're just regular people and these are the kids we have. We didn't choose them, they were given to us, whether by God or nature, but it wasn't our choice, so sometimes we need a break.
There was a period of time where I tried to be that superhero, where I tried to implement all the suggestions from the therapist, implement advice from autism articles in books or websites. I tried to do anything and everything that was supposed to help J. But I reached a breaking point. I felt like an emotional mess inside; I was a fraud. I was trying to keep it together, trying to show how strong I was, how brave, how together, but tiny things made me want to cry. Or they did make me cry and I couldn't figure out why.
For me, it boiled down to needing help and support and not feeling as though I was getting an adequate amount of either. I tried to do everything and keep my cool and calm, but sometimes all the stress and emotions overflowed and I had to let it all out. There is something to be said about allowing yourself to cry. I remember several months ago when I let it happen. It was last September and I was in the middle of a painting project in the house, and I had a very limited amount of time to get it finished. I had thought Stormtrooper was going to tape everything off so I could finish, but it wasn't taped, and I looked around the room and felt this overwhelming pressure build up in my chest, throat, and behind my eyes. I probably shouldn't have been so upset about blue-tape, but it was the final thing that made me lose it. I sat down in the room and cried. I cried for a while, everything came pouring out of me, and the pressure slowly began to dissipate. Then the tears stop, I picked myself up off the floor, went to the kitchen and drank two large glass of water, and I immediately felt stronger. I went into the bedroom and painted as much as I could before Tiny woke up from his nap and I had to stop.
That day, the tears were very violent. I haven't had a breakdown like it since, but I have also used my words to really convey the times when I need extra support. My husband has also been more giving when it comes to times that I take for myself away from the house, away from the kids, so not only do I get more emotional support at my house, but also more support when I need my time away from the house. Those times are very important because it's time to relax and not have to be a mom - a normal mom and a special needs mom.
I've wondered if my husband doesn't fully understand what it's like being at home since he works for 10-12 hours a day, but I think it's a learning process for both of us, to find the balance of understanding and support so that neither of us gets overwhelmed in the roles we play in our family. It has taken time, but he's become an advocate in his own way for both me and J, and also he's become more understanding and supportive. He's relinquished a lot of the apprehension over what he doesn't understand and has allowed me to take the reigns. Of course there are times where he disagrees, but overall he has a much more open mind to the therapies we do, and the hardships we face along with the celebrations we make.
I know not everyone is as lucky as we are to have family set in place who will help take care of any of our three babies so we can get a break. It's still a somewhat rare occurrence, but a blessing nevertheless. We are also lucky that our ASD diagnosis wasn't severe so that our family is unable to help us out as much as they do.
My favorite times are when the family is all together and happy, but I have enjoyed the time off the Autism clock this past week. I've gotten to a place where I am not embarrassed to be open about the hard times we've had with ASD. A lot of my strength has been learnt during times of darkness. And the ugly truth of ASD is that there are a lot of ugly times, a lot of emotionally overwhelming times. But as much as the time off has been lovely, I'd rather have my sweet ASD kid home and I'll give him a huge hug when I do finally get to see him!
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