10. Celebrations

For a while, we were having really bad mornings with J.  He woke up in really terrible moods, he had mini meltdowns when he couldn't tie his shoes, he freaked out when he had to brush his teeth.  He couldn't seem to handle simple things like putting his binder into his backpack.  

I wondered if something didn't trigger him when he woke up in the mornings.  He is known to obsess over things, sometimes just one small thing, and he can't get it out of his head until he fixes it, changes it, deals with it, etc.  He wouldn't talk to me about it, about how some mornings he's a happy little boy and others he is as sullen as a stereotypical teenager.  

So I made a list of How to Have a Perfect Morning and it outlines key things to do to have a perfect morning.  Wake up with alarm, get dressed within 10 minutes, make your bed, be ready at the kitchen table for breakfast, have your lunchbox on the table so mom can pack your lunch, and so forth.  I awarded a large number of pebbles (currency for our house) for a perfect morning, but he still gets rewarded for having a good morning, and if he has just a really difficult morning, no pebbles at all.

The purpose of the list was to help him not completely derail if one part of his morning goes poorly.  If he forgets to set his alarm, that's okay, he can still have a good morning.  If he forgets to make his bed, again, it's okay, he can still have a good morning.  Before, he would forget one thing and his behavior would completely go to hell.  As neurotypical adults, we can see that just because we forgot to make our bed, it isn't going to ruin our entire day.  But if one tiny thing went wrong in the morning, it would ruin the rest of J's day.  Bad mornings led to bad school days which led to a lot of notes or emails from teachers about J.  

The pebbles we use in our house are like currency.  They have a monetary value if the boys want to cash them in for real money to spend, or they "cash" them in to us to "buy" time to play on their DS's, the PlayStation, to draw, etc.

We tried stickers and points, and it didn't work.  I believe it didn't work because the rewards were not tangible and it made playing electronics or doing other fun things very vague.  There were times when we didn't feel the boys should or could play computer games because of their behavior choices, but now, as long as they have enough pebbles, they can do anything on the list (they do have to ask first, of course).  

Pebbles live in these jars on a shelf on the boys' desk. 

Pebbles!  Blue for J, red for little Iron Man.

I started this for J because getting his good behavior back on track was an undertaking, but it works well with both our big boys.  I'm sure if we gave Tiny pebbles, he'd just try to eat them, but it'll be something I will try with him as well.

Anyway, my mornings with J were going from kind-of okay, to not-so-good, to poor, to bad, to worse.  I had no idea what was triggering it.  I know that when he feels the pressures of time he stresses out and has a lot of anxiety.  

"Tie your shoes, we have to go wait for the bus in two minutes." 

< Insert meltdown >

But making a list has helped me to keep him on track.  Just because one thing goes wrong doesn't mean everything is wrong.  It has made our mornings a lot less stressful the last week or so.  I don't think we ever spend enough time focusing or celebrating the good behaviors, the small breakthroughs.  And I want to with this.  It's a small thing, but a lovely thing, and a thing that I know J probably can't appreciate himself, but I can.

This morning is a particular great example.  J had a fantastic morning up until it was time to put on his coat (it was 27 degrees at 7a, why?  Isn't it spring?!)  The zipper got stuck and he will never ask for help; he will meltdown, freak out, stomp his feet, etc.  I saw the beginnings of it, so I told him to come to me so I could take a look at his coat.  Part of having a perfect morning is no tears or melting down.  I told him he could still have a good morning so long as he calmed down right them.  I didn't know it was possible to get a zipper so completely caught and jammed in a coat, and when I got it unstuck, I broke it.  But J just said, "That's okay, I still can wear my coat, and I can just hold it together  while we wait outside.  It's not usually cold on the bus."  Yes!  Yes, you can.  What a great attitude!  This is something that a year ago would have sent him into tearful hysterics.  This year, he took a deep breath (and I assume counted in his head, because that's what he does lately), and then proceeded to find a silver lining.

He got on the bus in a great mood, and I went back into the house feeling pretty good.  Our morning interactions are usually about an hour or less, and in that short period of time, it sets the tone for the rest of the day for both of us.  When we have good mornings like this, and like we've had for the last week or so, it is something to be celebrated.