29. Long Time No See

For the last several months I've struggled with what to write about.  I've started this entry four or five times only to delete it and start over.

Our family has had some major changes, some of which have been good ... others .... not so much.  But we hang in there and keep on.

I quit my job.  I gave two weeks' notice, said goodbye, and left.  I miss some of the people there but this was the best decision for me personally.  I don't handle drama well, I can't shut my brain off to negativity, and I felt work was such a negative influx of energy that it was really affecting my home life.  It hurt somewhat financially, and while sometimes I question if it was the right decision, I think our family has really benefited from it in other ways.  I'm now home all the time to take care of our three boys.  The two older boys have doctor appointments every week that I can now schedule and take them to without stress of conflicting with anything else.  And while we didn't have the baby in daycare in the first place, I'm now home to take care of him all the time so he never has to see a babysitter.  I did most of the shopping and errand-running before, but now that the weight of other things is off my shoulder, I feel more free to do those things without worry or concern.

The worst part of quitting my job isn't so much having one income, but knowing that my husband has the added stress of carrying this family's financial success on his shoulders.  We've discussed a few times about me finding another job, but our relationship feels better and stronger since I am home when he is off work.  In the past, we would sometimes go three or four days without seeing one another except a brief passing because he would come home from work just in time for me to leave.  I'd come home at 11:30pm and he'd be in bed.  I'd wake up the next morning and he'd already be at work.  It was weird, living in the same house but not seeing each other for days.  I didn't like it.  He didn't like it.  Now is definitely better.

I try to work from the home, making vinyl decals for folks or sets of cards/notecards, invitations, etc. It goes in cycles where I won't have any projects for a few weeks, and then I'll have seven all at once. It's an interesting balance for sure.  It doesn't really bring in much, but it helps keep my brain busy and I enjoy it.  I don't have any desire to go back to a "real job" right now.  I like being even more involved with the kids, knowing what's going on every day, helping with homework, and getting to watch them grow and play and learn.  It's most significant with the baby - who I really need to stop calling "the baby" because he's two years old now - but I still feel I can see it with the older two as well.  

J's behaviors have greatly improved.  I go to my autism support group and while I have things that I would like to change, things that I find annoying, we don't have any glaring autism-related problems right now.  J still has his verbal tic.  He's still clumsy.  He still can't move from one topic to another.  He still focuses his brain on one thing and can't transition to anything else.  But we've learned how to handle those things so well that, while annoying, I don't consider them to be issues anymore.  I'm sure things will come up in the future, but right now I feel we are in a really good place.  (Knock on wood!)

Maybe that's why I've struggled to write lately.  I don't have much to talk about.  Even though I have so much to say.  It's hard to find the balance between what you want to say on a public blog and what to keep off the internet.  How do you know when you've said too much?  What's the line?  Is a toe okay to cross?  A whole foot?  Maybe I'll figure it out and can flesh out what to say, because it looks as though we may be adding in another acronym to our household.  But only time will tell ...

28. I Forgot

Behind me, J is doing is homework.  It's 6:45am and when I went to look in his binder from school, I noticed he hadn't finished his spelling packet, which is due today, and he hadn't even touched his math worksheet.  He also had a packet from last Friday of missed work that he hadn't touched.  

When I asked him why he hadn't done his work, he said,  "I didn't see it!" and threw his hands over his head, almost knocking over his bowl of cereal.  

I didn't see it.  

I have heard that phrase so many times.  And it truly baffles me.  The spelling packets are always the exact same exercises, in the exact same order, every single week.  4 pages (2 front and back).  Unchanging.  So the idea that one week he doesn't see a page that is always there makes me want to call "bullshit" on it.  The same with the math.  His math worksheets are front and back and labeled with the days, so that he gets his weekly homework at one time, but doesn't have to complete it until whatever day is written across the top.  Again, it never changes.

This is where our fun world of autism really makes me stop and go "hmmmm."  Because as much as this probably screams AUTISM to many people, to me I don't buy it.  For someone who thrives on structure and consistency and rules, this homework should have been perfect for him.  Structured.  Consistent.  Straightforward.  No guesswork.  And yet he can't complete it on time.

Because he didn't see it.

It's times like this that I truly struggle with autism.  J gets so many concessions for having autism, so much is bent and conformed to help him through the day.  I think because of all that we end up doing for him, when he just doesn't do his homework I get overly annoyed.  I didn't yell or anything, but I made him sit down and finish it before the bus.  I told him he doesn't get his pebbles for having a good morning and that he won't be able to play on his new tablet after school because he has to complete the entirety of the work he missed last Friday.

When he said he finished his homework last night, I believed him and I didn't double-check.  It's exhausting double checking every aspect of the kids' lives.  Chores.  Homework.  Bedrooms.  Even smell checks after showers!  Because we have two older boys who love to take soap-less showers (which is nasty, you're a boy, CLEAN YOURSELF PLEASE).  So sometimes when I hear "I'm done with my homework" I take it for what it is, and don't check.  If I had to check every single thing, I would never sit down and probably never sleep.

Things aren't all bad, though.  J has had several practices for Academic Bowl, which he has seemed to really enjoy.  He watches Jeopardy now that I record for him on TV and sometimes he gets the questions correct (which he really likes when he can answer before the contestant on the show).  He's had a couple of golf lessons as well, which he is enjoying.  I don't know if the golf will even go anywhere, but it is nice for him to be able to be exposed to something fun.  He likes it.  Even if he just stays on this level and does a few more lessons on this level, I am fine with that.  Right now, it's not overly expensive and lets him experience something new.  He will never be an athlete, but I do think sometimes that bothers him, that he can't throw or kick or run as well as the other kids.

J also won a tablet from school!  He read the most minutes in the school Read-a-Thon!  It's a great prize, although one that we have had to set many rules around because he does tend to get obsessed with things.  He will focus on one thing and continually ask to do that one thing.  Whether it's drawing or reading or playing his DS.  That becomes the focus and he can't function doing anything else.  So we are very careful with the things we let him do and try to break up the monotony of whatever it is he has become obsessed with.  So now, the tablet is something that he has to pay pebbles in order to play on (unless it is to Skype with family members only) and I don't let him play on it every day.  Which as much as that last part frustrates him, it also calms him.  I've been in the world where he obsesses so much over something that he becomes unable to function unless he is drawing or reading or playing his DS.  It's a scary world.  And denying him those things or lessening the time he is able to do them, does seem to really help overall.

In other news, I took Little Iron Man to open studio at the local art studio last week.  It's actually nice spending time with the kids one on one without the other one around.  I think it helps them to feel special and he was in a really good mood the entire time we were there.  He loves art, but he's not quite as good as J, so he never wants to draw or paint when J is around.  He's starting to get really good at sports, throwing balls especially.  He's still scared of catching because he doesn't want to get hurt by a ball, but I really think if we can convince him to actually play a team sport that he would thrive.  And then he'd have his own niche to really excel at and help set him apart from J.  They're just so close in age that often there is a bit of competitiveness that cannot be avoided.  But when it was just me and him painting, he definitely had fun.

He wanted to paint Halloween pictures, and wanted me to join in on the fun.

27. A Month Smashed Together

It has been almost a month since I wrote anything.  I find that unacceptable considering so much of my life centers around autism.

We started our Friendship Club a couple of weeks ago.  It's so nice to have J go to a group for kids with autism while I go to a support group for parents.  It's so hard, but it's so nice to know other parents are going through the same thing I am.  Stormy doesn't really want to go; he thinks he may offend someone because he isn't as rainbows and butterflies about autism as some.  I think he'd be surprised at how many others sit there and say, "Autism makes me insane!  I'm at my breaking point! I just want to take a shortcut home from church without someone questioning my driving!"  Really, I think he is more concerned about potentially offending me.  Because as accepting as he is of autism, he still struggles with many aspects of it.  We all do.  As accepting and understanding as I am, I still have a lot of struggles with autism

I had J's IEP meeting at school.  It went pretty well.  As well as I expected, at least.  I dreaded meetings like this at his old school, but the people here are so much more caring that I don't leave in tears anymore.  About the same time, we got two kittens from the shelter.  It was totally Stormy's idea - at least to get two of them.  They're brothers and in the essence of keeping our house as nerdy as possible, we named them Draco Meowfoy and CT-5555 ("Fives" for short, thank god).

Look how ridiculous they are.  I should get some better pictures of them, but there you have it.  They're actually pretty fun to just watch because they're still kittens so they play and horse around and run around the house like a couple of nuts.  They love when my husband comes home because they use him as their nap time bed.  He gets a lot of kitten love.  I think the kids like them.  Tiny thinks they're animated stuffed animals so I always have to keep an eye on him when the kittens are around.

About three weeks ago, J came home with a permission slip to try out for the Academic Bowl at school.  It was only open for fourth and fifth graders.  I signed it and he went through some rounds of elimination before making it onto the team!  He is very excited.  His first practice is this week, and I have to go at the very end to find out about uniforms, practice schedules, and meet schedules.  As much as that doesn't sound particularly thrilling, I am actually looking forward to see what the Academic Bowl is going to mean for J.  I really hope he does well.

I'm finishing up this entry this morning before the bus comes, and I keep getting distracted because all J is doing is that auditory tic that I love so much.  It's still here and he's now saying, "I can't help it, it's a tic."  I understand that may be a reason for the noise, but it's not an excuse.  We are trying to get him to be more aware of it because it does nothing positive for anyone.  It annoys and frustrates everyone in the house, and also everyone at school.  It is an absolute constant and yet inconsistent enough that it isn't a white noise.  I'm about at my wit's end with the noise.

I feel I have been so overwhelmingly busy.  The baby started a 1's class at the church down the road and he has a blast going there, which has given me a couple of free hours twice a week to work on my own projects.  I'm trying hard to work on projects and hopefully start an etsy shop in order to create some sort of cash flow.  I'd rather do something creative than drive to a job where I am under someone else's rules and schedules, but I also really enjoy being home and being able to keep an eye on the kids.  I like knowing all the different aspects of their day and being there to help with homework or chores, and being there to do fun stuff, whether it's play outside, watch a movie, or just read.  The first seven years of J's life I had to work and I realize how much I ended up missing out on.  I don't want to have to continue to miss out on things, even if it's just one day a week.

Tiny, after stuffed animal day at school.  Hobbes is his favorite.  During nap time or bedtime, all his other stuffed animals get thrown out of the crib, but Hobbes stays inside until it's time to wake up.

26. Tick Tock

It didn't take long to remind me why I hate the school year.  I don't really mind waking up early, because it does help to give a head start on the day.  But getting up at 6:10a every morning only to be angry, annoyed, or stressed by 6:25a isn't really how I want to spend the early minutes of my day.  

J has had trouble sleeping these days so he's usually cranky in the mornings.  It's a battle to get him to sit down for breakfast and then afterwards brush his teeth.  He has plenty of time to get everything done, but each step seems to be a battle.

He goes through tics every few months, where one will go away just to be replaced by something new.  It's always been a physical tic, but now he makes sounds - constant sounds every 5-10 seconds. The sounds slow when he reads, but otherwise he can be sitting at the table eating and in between bites he makes the noise.  We'll be watching television and he'll make the noise.  It is so constant and loud that it is beginning to disrupt everyday life.  It is not something that is easily ignored.

I think I am more annoyed than anyone else in the house by the tic.  Maybe it's because I am around it most, and I feel that since I deal with all these other fun aspects of autism, I don't also want to deal with one that is just a persistent noise.  His therapist understood my frustration and understood why it was disruptive and worked with J to find a technique that would at least lessen the volume of the noise.  Except J doesn't want to work on it.  The kids at school don't comment (according to him) and so he doesn't see a need to stop or change.

This tic seems to have lasted longer than the others - but that's probably because it far more annoying than anything else we've dealt with.  While I write the next couple paragraphs, I'm going to point out every time I hear the tic.

He's always walked on his toes (tic), but now he (tic) also kicks the backs of his own heels as he walks.  I haven't (tic) figured that one out yet, to be honest.  And it (tic) may not be a tic in the traditional sense, but it (tic) is (tic) something new that (tic) has crept up in the last couple months.  It will probably go away as all the other tics do (tic).  When he gets overwhelmed in groups of people, he does stem, but sometimes it will overlap and even when he's home he will continue to do it for a few days (tic) as though (tic) it (tic)(tic)(tic) has turned into a (tic) tic (tic)(tic). (tic) Normally when he's in crowds (tic) he (tic) will (tic) (tic) start to roll his eyes around in his head, as though he is truly struggling to focus on something and instead his eyes are focusing on everything at once.  He only does it in crowds or closed spaces (tic)(tic)(tic)(tic)(tic)(tic) so I do think it's a form of (tic) coping with this, except a few days later, he will still do it until it slowly dissipates.  (tic)(tic)(tic)(tic)

I started writing the above paragraph at 6:50a and stopped at 6:55a.  During this time, J was tying his shoes.

Maybe one day I will learn to ignore the tic.

*snort*

Sorry.  I just realized that I know that won't happen.  I wish I could 100% accepting of all tics and noises and fun aspects of autism, but I can't.  This one drives me crazy.  I keep my cool so well overall, but this tic has taken all enjoyment out of watching a movie together or playing a game.  I want that enjoyment back.  I don't know when I will get it.

But I don't want to end this blog post on a negative note.  So I will end with two pictures of Tiny the baby who started the 1's preschool class at the church up the road!  He has his very own backpack and spends the morning with seven other little 1's, learning shapes and colors.  He had so much fun on his first day of school!  The pictures are from the very first day of school.

25. Temple Grandin

The other day Stormtrooper and I watched Temple Grandin.  I put it in our Netflix queue ages ago and it finally arrived.  I really didn't know what to expect from watching it, but I am glad I did.  It was somewhat painful at times because you really saw the pain and awkwardness that people with autism face.  As a parent of someone who has autism, this was particularly difficult because it makes you sad to think that this is what your kid is experiencing.

Temple didn't speak until she was four.  J didn't speak until he was three.  She ended up going to a boarding school because she got in trouble for hitting another child, but her mother, who seemed to be an advocate for Temple, said she never hit unless provoked.  This has been something that has been a worry for us.  We've often wondered what J would do if provoked by other kids and honestly the outcome could be disastrous.  I think I've spoken about it before, but J's view of reality is so different from actual reality that he could think he was in danger, but actually be fine.

Moving on in the movie, Temple goes to college.  She doesn't want to go, but her mother makes her.  And honestly, I make J do a lot of things he doesn't want to do, and I hope he'll be a better person for it later on in life.  There's a scene where Temple is upset because all the other girls have roommates, but hers hasn't arrived yet, so she has to be all alone in the dorm room.  She's very upset by this.  It was sad because these kids know they're not normal and while they're okay with it at times, other times they just want to be like everyone else.  She knows she's different, yet she wants a roommate.  All the other girls have roommates, why can't she?  I have to answer questions like this frequently with J and sometimes I don't even have an answer that's adequate.

Temple is awkward in class but obviously thrives because she is so smart.  I don't even think she realizes she is smart.  J has no idea he is intelligent.  He never studies, he half-asses his homework.  He doesn't even attempt to look at his spelling words.  And yet he has straight A's.  I think last year, his end-of-year averages, when you took each quarter and averaged those grades, his lowest was a 95 in Reading.  Hopefully this will continue to transfer the older he gets, but because he has no study skills and you can't teach him study skills right now, I have no idea what middle school and high school will bring.  Since he is so resistant to things that don't make sense in his mind, trying to talk to him about studying would be fruitless.  Why would he need to learn to study if he doesn't need to study?  One day he might, and I guess I'll end up dealing with this later.

There's a couple points in the movie where Temple has to really think outside of the box.  It's a pretty amazing feat to watch because autistic people are so literal and there's a scene where she changes cars, changes her new car's appearance, and changes her own appearance in order to gain access to a cattle farm because she's a woman and they don't allow women on their property.  (I should probably preface all this by saying this movie took place several decades ago.)  She is able to really think on a different level than neurotypical people which allowed her to design different and more efficient tools for the cattle/meat industry.  She also said something that was very significant to me.  She said that nature is already cruel and we kill animals to eat, but there's no reason why we have to be cruel to them.  There's no reason why they can't die in peace.  And I think that is very important.  It shows respect to all living things and shows respect to those giving their lives for us, especially because these animals give their lives to us unwillingly, so it would be nice for them to be able to have a decent life and a decent death.  So she incorporated that ideal in a slaughterhouse design that kept cattle calm and allowed them to die with some dignity still intact.

We watched that movie and thought, we hope for these things with J.  We hope he's able to accomplish something greater.  He is so smart and while he is oftentimes the most self-centered person I know, he has a lot of kindness in him that allows him to really shine and stand out.  He always has ideas of things he wants to do when he grows older and some are realistic and others are not.  He doesn't understand that he has autism yet.  He knows he has it because we tell him, but he doesn't really understand what it means yet.  Temple was able to grow to a place where she could advocate for herself.  I want the same for J.

Maybe this is all like a glimmer of hope, a glimpse of what life perhaps could be for J.  I want the best for him, as all parents do for their children, but sometimes in our dark days with meltdowns and tantrums it's hard to imagine that he would ever conquer those things enough to be self-sufficient and highly educated.  Maybe he will surprise us all.

24. School Again!

Today was the first day of school.  Alarms went off at six this morning, which was the earliest I have gotten up since May.  The morning went well, zero incidences.  Tiny usually sleeps until at least 8:30a and the bus comes a little after 7:00a, which gives me a lot of time in the mornings.  Last year I went back to sleep, but this year I thought I should be more productive and use this time to my advantage, so I've decided to start exercising during this time.  I do hope to lose weight, but also just get in better shape.  It's nice to have a lot of energy to run after the kids and I do enjoy being active.  

Last school year I had a list on how to earn pebbles (our reward system) for having good mornings and this morning was a very good morning, so pebbles were given!  We had over fifteen minutes of free time before having to go wait for the bus, which doesn't always happen because J has so many difficult mornings.  This was a great way to start the year!

Yesterday was the first Open House, where we went to meet the teachers and sign up for the After School Program (ASP).  J wants to do Science Olympiad, which is on Tuesdays, and then he will go to ASP one afternoon a week to have fun, play with some of his friends.  J's teacher has experience in special education and when I introduced myself to her, she was fully aware of J and had already spoken to his teachers from last year.  Everything I said to her about J she wrote down in her notes so I felt she was really listening and paying attention.  I left with a good feeling ... and a huge stack of papers to fill out for the school year.

Then we went to see the gifted teachers.  We got more information on the things they are going to do this year, and we also left with more papers to fill out!  The coolest part of the gifted program this year is that the kids are going to make a Lego amusement park.  I don't know all the details, but I know Legos are a big deal in this house!  So anything with Legos will be awesome.

The scary part of school is that it's almost eight hours of not being with J, six and a half hours of school and two half-hour bus rides.  I don't feel the need to always be with him, but I get so many emails from teachers about incidences at school that I often feel lost as to how to respond.  I can talk to him when he gets home, but once something is after-the-fact, J doesn't want to talk about it or he won't talk about or he'll just say "I don't remember."  I can give teachers advice or encouragement, but if I'm not there to help, guide, or correct in the moment then there's often not much I can do from home.  I hate the feeling that my child is a burden on the teachers, but that's often the feeling I am left with.  Last year his homeroom teacher was really great and understanding, but this is one of the only times I have felt comfortable with J's teacher.  Usually I am left with "Please address J's behavior."  Right.  Thank you.  So I'm praying this year will be great!

To give the boys more responsibility, this year they are both going to make their own lunches.  J was a little nervous because he wasn't sure how he would know what to pack.  So I made an easy chart so everyone would know what to put in their lunch boxes and it's on the front of the fridge.  Both boys find making their lunch really exciting.  

I am hoping for a good school year.  I am still working out therapy schedules so that everything can fall easily into place and be on a very set schedule.  It's a work in progress, but I am remaining hopeful.  I'd like to have everything happen on the same days of the week, but we will just have to see how that works out.  Tiny will be in the 1's class at the church around the corner two days a week, so for six hours a week I will be childless while everyone is in school!  Hopefully I will be able to get some work done at the house and run errands more quickly since I won't have children to get in and out of the car and direct around stores.  It'll be very relaxing to just do my shopping with a baby yelling at the other customers (he's very friendly, but very loud!)

Gryffindor backpack again this year.  And a Star Wars t-shirt.  

We like for our fandoms to collide around here!

23. The Meltdown

J had his first major breakdown since camp today.  He took the green outside trashcan to the end of the driveway since the garbage is collected Wednesday mornings.  He somehow tipped the can over and half the trash bags spilled out, amongst other items.

The first thing he did was start to cry, which honestly neither surprised me or bothered me.  I knew it would be a painful process getting all the trash back into the bin, so I went upstairs to put Tiny down for a nap before coming back outside.  Stormtrooper had righted the can so that it was standing again, which was great.  The can was still full of trash and would have been difficult for J to put back upright, especially while crying.

Stormy and Iron Man went to fix the ramp up to our shed while I stayed at the end of the driveway to deal with the trash.  We live on a cul-de-sac so at least while J had his tantrum we didn't have to worry about cars or any passersby.

I told him he would not be able to go inside until all the trash was picked up.  He didn't want to do it. There were flies around the garbage, and J's biggest fear is anything regarding bugs and insects.  He was hysterical, tears and snotty nose, screaming and flailing.  I kept my calm and did just what the therapist said - to have him complete the task through to the end without giving into the tantrum.  

I mentally divided up everything on the ground and pulled out my cell phone.  I set the timer for one minute and told J which pieces to pick up and gave him one minute to do it.  At first he refused, he kept his feet firmly planted on the ground, and screamed.  The first thing he picked up was a small box, which he tried to throw into the trash can, but he missed and it fell back on the ground.  At that point a fly flew right by his ear and he took off running around the cul-de-sac, screaming.  Not crying or yelling.  But screaming in fear, a sound you would expect to hear from someone in agony.

Two of our neighbors came out of their respective houses and watched.  I ignored them and waited for J to stop running.  Then I made him come stand back next to me.  I put him in a time-out outside, which was more to stop the overstimulation and calm him down.  He faced the side of the house, hands by his sides, eyes closed, and I told him to breathe.  He stood there for a few minutes, and once he stopped shaking and crying, we went back down to the bottom of the driveway to continue to pick up the trash.

We were down at the cul-de-sac for about an hour.  There were four kitchen-sized trash bags, one small box, three Starbucks cups, and a couple of envelopes from discarded mail.  That's all that fell out and yet it still took that long.

I tried to find the words to convey how this meltdown was, but words cannot describe the extent of tho particular tantrum.  Crying and screaming, of course, but if you were not there, screaming is not an adequate word.  I stayed calm and talked him through picking up all the pieces off the ground, held him next to me as protection when he was flailing his arm, trying to shoo away phantom flies.  Time sort of stopped in my brain when it was all happening.  I knew our neighbors were probably wondering what on earth was happening at our house, but it was more important to help J through this.

Afterwards, my husband and I joked that one day our neighbors may call the police if they hear another meltdown like that.  It's no telling what they think is going on.  Unfortunately, it wasn't much of a joke and is actually a small fear in the back of my mind.  When people first see J, they see someone who looks normal and perhaps even speaks normally.  They don't see the autism until later, which in this case may be more of a curse than a blessing.

Also afterwards, I didn't allow myself to calm down, I just refocused on the family chores that we were doing when the meltdown began.  Once all three boys were in bed, Stormy and I watched television and then went up to bed.  I kept thinking about it and playing the image of J running around the cul-de-sac while screaming as though on repeat.  Sometimes these things are have huge effects on me, sometimes it takes its toll on me mentally.  It's so hard to stay strong all the time because autism isn't something that goes away.  When J has a good day, it doesn't mean he had a day without autism symptoms, it just means he had a day where those symptoms weren't overwhelming, a day without tantrums.  But even the good days have small bouts of stress.  It's a never-ending thing.

While J had his meltdown, Stormtrooper took the opportunity to have a conversation with Iron Man about autism.  He pointed out that J's meltdown and tears were directly linked to his autism.  

"Does that look like fun?  Does that look normal?"

Of course he said no, and Stormtrooper explained that just because J got to go to summer camp for kids with autism doesn't mean that autism is fun.  J wasn't having fun, he was scared and upset and sad and angry.  He was such a mix bag of emotions that he was nearly impossible to calm down.  Iron Man forgets about those times when he says things like, "I wish I had autism."  Stormy said it seemed to click a little more with him that having autism isn't something to want, isn't something to be jealous of.  For a little kid, I can understand the frustration where your brother gets a lot of attention because of his antics, where he gets to go to summer camp, and gets to get special line-jumper passes at Universal Studios and Disney World.  However, I do find it disappointing that he has difficulty separation the so-called "perks" from the obvious hardships and downsides to having autism.  I think the understanding will grow the older he gets, but it will be something we continue to work on with him.

We were supposed to go to our autism group get-together, but we had to cancel because of the meltdown.  I'm sure that they understood since all of their children also have autism, however it is still one of those realities that not all parents understand.  I've had friends who don't understand, friends who hear the phrase, "We're going to be late because J is having a tantrum," and wonder why I let my nine-year-old be such a brat.  God forbid we have to cancel something.  It doesn't happen often, but it does happen.  Thankfully we do have a close-knit group of friends and family who understand about J and don't question his bad days, they accept them as a part of our reality.

Maybe one day I will find the correct words to fully describe how terrible this particular meltdown was, but I am glad that it's over.  Hopefully our next tantrum will wait a while.  I don't know if I can handle any more tears.